Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
