This is not my ceiling
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
