My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
