i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
