I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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