Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
