No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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