I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
