The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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