I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
