three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
