Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
