Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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