You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
