I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
