I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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