genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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