drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
