I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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