How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Sext me about skeletons
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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