you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize