The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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