Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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