I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hippo gnu deer
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
