I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
