you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
