I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
