he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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