Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
