so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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