I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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