Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
