I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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