Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
