I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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