i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
