i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
