seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
