You're completely useless in the revolution.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
