listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
