Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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