We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
