i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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