Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
