I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
