I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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