I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize