bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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