Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
