i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
