tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
