I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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