OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
