Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
