I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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