Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
