you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
