every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
