I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
