Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
