oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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