I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
