how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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