We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
